Aphantasia - Liam Falconer

“A-L-A-S-K-A… the dream trip. I could hardly believe I was going with my favorite cousin Joseph and my grandparents, Grandmommie and G-pa.  Not just a regular trip, it was a cruise. We would be up close with glaciers and wildlife day and night. My lifelong passion for marine life combined with exploring Alaska was more than 11-year-old me could imagine. The anticipation of the trip built for months. And the actual trip was beyond my wildest expectations. We saw bears and seals up close and walked on a glacier, all while traveling in epic style. Now here’s the funny part. Ask me what I remember. What do I really remember? I can tell you I have incredible photos. G-pa was a die-hard photographer and had his camera poised at every moment. I can tell you every time I saw Joseph and my grandparents we shared laughter and life filled stories about that trip. But really remember? I couldn’t, still can’t. I thought it was only because I was 11. But now I know differently.

The discovery came on a Thursday night, sitting on my couch, scrolling through Instagram of all places when I saw a post that said “close your eyes and picture a red star, then see which of these six pictures it looks the most like in your ‘mind’s eye’. If it's number 1, you might have aphantasia.” I played along and found that my mental image of a red star exactly matched number one, which was totally blank, no star at all. Naturally, I was curious and googled it and lo and behold, I have aphantasia. Aphantasia is a condition which affects 1-3% of the global population and it simply means that your “mind’s eye” is blind. Those with aphantasia are unable to “see” anything with their imagination. If you ask me about someone or something in my life I can describe the object or explain the concept, and tell you everything I know about it. But I would have no accompanying mental image of any kind of that person or thing. Imagine not being able to picture that one line of your notes you need on a bio test, or the awesome free kick you scored last week, or even your own mother’s face. Before I learned about aphantasia, all of it was extremely disheartening. What was wrong with me?

This new discovery comforted me as I now began to understand why I couldn’t remember things. It confirmed that my problem with visualized memory was real. It finally made sense why I couldn’t remember anything about a day until I saw a picture and the whole day came flooding back. In addition, I now understood why I was never able to remember the AP Bio diagrams and why the only studying that worked for me was reciting my notes to anyone who would listen and correct me when I made a mistake.

What now? I turned inward, sorting my memory into categories: what I remember fully, what I know happened but have no actual memory of (unless I’m shown a picture), and what I have little pieces of, but not whole memories. What I started focusing on is that third category, the partial memories. Major parts of my life, like the month I spent living in Argentina as an exchange student, I remember. Well, I remember the big highlights and most exciting days but many of the smaller, more mundane things have already slipped through the cracks. I didn’t - and still don’t - want to lose them. I quickly learned that the best way for me to maintain these memories, down to the little details, was to record them. Whether that was through actually writing them down or just taking pictures, form didn’t matter, it all helped me remember. 

Aphantasia has led me to take after G-pa, regularly capturing more of my life through photographs. Luckily, armed with my iPhone and social media sites this is a pretty easy solution in my life today. However, to really preserve memories - taste, feel, and touch, I have turned to journaling. It’s an internal way I can connect with my experiences and take pause to reflect on my feelings.

Journaling has also added value to my experience with school. I’ve learned to perform better on tests by developing my own methods of studying and learning as just looking at notes does nothing for me. Above all, aphantasia has taught me to truly live and take no moment for granted, as you never know when it may leave you forever. Forgetting much of my Alaskan cruise was painful not because I couldn’t remember everything fun I did, but because that trip was the last serious quality time I ever spent with G-pa before he passed.

Moving forward, I want to build on what I’ve started, growing as a not just a student, but a person as a whole. I’m taking life more slowly, absorbing every aspect of my day, and capturing experiences in photographs and journals. I’m more aware of learning challenges for myself and others, open to adaptive ways of finding success, and look forward to remembering more deeply the next phase of my life.