I eat cereal. A decent amount. Not as much as ramen, yes, but I am a considerable fan of this grain-based soup. She’s filling, healthy, and delicious. But like a gemini (May 21- June 21), there are more sides to her than one. Sometimes, she takes on legendary forms like Cinnamon Toast Crunch™. Other times, she decides to be absolutely trash and manifests as Special K Original™–or worse–Special K Red Berries™. With my expertise and knowledge, I have graded 18 different types of cereal, included cost analysis, and inserted pretty graphs. I present to you: Carina’s Cereal Classification? Chart 2020. 

These brands of cereal have been graded on a variety of criterion; taste, aftertaste, taste it leaves behind in milk, taste when stale, taste when the milk left behind has been sitting out for a while, structure, structural integrity in milk, stigma associated, and much more. For Dylan’s sake, I am not taking pictures/mascots into consideration. 

Tier S: Legendary

In this tier we house two, and only two cereals. Cinnamon Toast Crunch™ and Froot Loops™. Amazing in all categories, with Froot Loops™ even bringing in a charming, creative, and absolutely wonderful rhyme scheme, this pair will undoubtedly stay with me for a lifetime. My roommate said, “given it’s virtually cemented place in cereal history, Cinnamon Toast Crunch™ is, and will always remain legendary.”

Tier A: It’s Up There

In this tier we house 3: Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries™, Lucky Charms™, and Frosted Flakes™. This is pretty self-explanatory. Yeah these cereals are great, but they’re just not Legendary. Hence, It’s Up There. 

Tier B: Don’t Hate It

Reese’s Puffs™, Rice Krispies™, Fruity Pebbles™, Honey Bunches of Oats™, Apple Jacks™. Yeah I’ve had and enjoyed these cereals, but have I ever been like “Dang, I Really Enjoyed That Bowl of Cereal!” Can’t say I have. Therefore, Don’t Hate It. 

Tier ?: Mood Meal

Commercial break. Frosted Mini Wheats™ are an interesting one. I have a love-hate relationship with her. On certain days? That frosted top–decadent. On others? Barely sub-par. 

Tier C: Struggle Meal

Ooh, this is rough. We have Kellogg’s Corn Flakes™, Special K Red Berries™, Special K Original™, Life™ (though Life Cinnamon™ is apparently “primo”, according to Jack Walley), Honey Nut Cheerios™, and Cheerios™. Most taste like cardboard, but not in a good way like the ice-cream cones do. I enjoy those, not these. Be better, Special K™. 

Tier ???: Could Not Care Less

Raisin Bran Crunch™. Never had her, but I do like the sound of raisins. Let me know what you think. 

Cost Analysis: 

Mean cost/unit (in USD) is $3.222

Median is Honey Nut Cheerios™ coming in at $3.260

Mode is $3.40, with two instances; Frosted Mini Wheats™ & Special K Red Berries™.

These rankings are not meant to be anodyne. They are meant to provoke outrage and discourse. Reach out at carina.lim@indiansprings.org or fill in this google form. The form is not anonymous. Don’t be a weenie.