Satire

Parents Bribe College Two Million Dollars For Their Son to Inevitably Drop Out

A recent investigation has uncovered that multiple “parents” bribed colleges to admit their children, including one such mother who bribed Princeford University $2 million dollars to admit their son, Rich Kidd. The son, who had a 1.7 GPA and had been kicked out of numerous schools for reasons varying from “skipping too many days of class to party on his private beach” to “repeatedly moaning and grunting suggestively over the intercom,” seemed to have little chance of attending college. After the most recent incident in which Kidd used alcohol-filled red Solo cups to form anti-semitic hate symbols while at a party on his parents’ yacht, his chances of getting into college looked slim-to-none. However, his mother stepped in by bribing Princeford University with two million dollars to accept her son. In an interview, the mother is quoted saying, “my baby boy deserves to have the opportunity to squander as many chances as possible.” When asked about the event on the cruise in which she was present, she said, “My sweet little angel would never drink alcohol or make hateful symbols. It’s hard to believe that my son and people like him could be forced to suffer as victims for their entire lives.” Kidd has plans to flunk out of college by October of this year in order to free up more time to spend on booze and partying. The nation is truly shocked in the wake of this event by the possibility of wealthy white people cheating their way to success.